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Zuck For President 2020: The Nightmare Begins

Look at that. Do you see it? The pieces are sitting there on the table. All we have to do is fit them together.

But it’s as if a Medusa head has been cut up into a jigsaw puzzle; simply piecing it together would create a picture too ghastly for anyone to behold. So I’ll let you assemble the picture for yourself:

  • For his annual “personal challenge,” Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has vowed “to visit every state I haven’t spent time in before to learn about people’s hopes and challenges, and how they’re thinking about their work and communities.”
  • He is having lunch with South Dakotan ranchers and hanging out with Ohio steelworkers and other Rockefeller-handing-out-dimeslevel staged PR claptrap.
  • He has inserted an exemption in his corporate succession plan to ensure he can still run Facebook if he leaves the company to go serve in government.
  • He has hired Joel Benenson, a former Obama advisor and Clinton strategist, to work for the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative (Zuck’s obligatory gazillionaire tax shelter/”philanthropic” social engineering foundation).
  • And, most tellingly, he has suddenly seen the light and renounced atheism in favor of a more voter-friendly stance: “I was raised Jewish and then I went through a period where I questioned things, but now I believe religion is very important.”

Ugh. It’s too horrific to even write this sentence, but here goes: Mark Zuckerberg, Overlord of the Evil Facebook Empire, is running for President.

Not officially, of course. Officially, he is most certainly not running for president and wherever did you get such a silly idea, anyway? You know, kind of like the Hildebeast was “considering” whether to run for president in 2013 and 2014 before finally giving in to the people’s wishes and announcing her candidacy in 2015? And, to be fair, maybe he’ll try for Congress or the Senate first. But make no mistake: Sooner or later, barring some miraculous intervention, we may be forced to hear “Hail to the Chief” every time the CEO of Facebook walks into a room.

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